Contrary to popular opinion
I had an epiphany this week about why I dislike the holidays I dislike. And I really think it can be chalked up directly to my somewhat contrary nature. On the one hand, sure, I'm nice enough, even periodically thoughtful and empathetic. And in many respects I think I'm overly obedient, which is how I was raised by my overly obedient parents -- there are rules, and they are meant to be lived within; there are other people's concerns and needs, and they generally come before your own. (For example, I'm working on getting over this for conferences, where my first reaction is that I need to go to everything and take good notes and if I miss even slightly relevant talks it'll be bad bad bad. Except who am I reporting to? Who is keeping track? And if there's stuff I don't feel like seeing or I should maybe pace myself, why shouldn't I? So I have started only going to what I really want to see, or in support of people I want to support even if not completely relevant to my own thing, and otherwise blowing off the rest, and really, it's making for much more pleasant experiences.)
On the other hand, I don't really love being told what to do, especially by parental or authority types. Like, I was really tired the other day and my mother said, "maybe you should nap," which of course duh, but in any case my immediate reaction was, "don't tell me what to do." Which I'm pretty sure I didn't say out loud. But anyway, many is the time that I have a knee jerk reaction that leads me to want to do exactly what has been suggested that I not do. So adolescent! Or maybe just New Yorky? Or perhaps fundamentally American? Whatever the origin, it is there nonetheless.
Now my two least-favorite holidays are, in order of hierarchy and also chronologically, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. I've disliked them both for as long as I can remember feeling that they were applicable to me, which is decades already (and nota bene that I always dislike Valentine's Day, regardless of my relationship status, or the status of whatever relationship I may be in at the time). But it is only this week that I figured out one reason why this might be. Many other holidays are perfectly nice, or pleasant, or utterly ignorable. My own favorite each year is Thanksgiving, when we get two big family days, Dad's (religious) side on Thursday and Mom's (not so religious, a lot more gay) side on Saturday. It's not about anything except hanging out with people I'm fond of slash love and eating really a lot of food. And I feel like no one is telling me what to do, except to eat more food. But for both New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day, I feel like the general discourse of the holiday is instructing me as to what my internal state needs to be. It's like, "Go out and have a glamorous evening and feel really good about the marking of the passage of time!" Or, "Feel really romantic about the person you're linked with in some way! Now!" And I think this brings out my knee jerk "don't tell me what to do" reaction. I'm like, "Fuck you! I'm not good with the passage of time. Why should I dress up and spend a lot of money to pretend I'm happy that another day and another year has passed?" Or, "Fuck off! Who's telling me how I should feel about my guy? What if I feel romantic on February 12? Or 15? Why this day over all other days?" Luckily, this attitude carries me through the not-having-a-man-on-Valentine's times as well, sort of a "what, so I need a man to be happy?" kind of thing.
So I'm relieved to learn that it's just leftover adolescent rebellion keeping me from loving these otherwise fabulous holidays. I feel at peace!
On the other hand, I don't really love being told what to do, especially by parental or authority types. Like, I was really tired the other day and my mother said, "maybe you should nap," which of course duh, but in any case my immediate reaction was, "don't tell me what to do." Which I'm pretty sure I didn't say out loud. But anyway, many is the time that I have a knee jerk reaction that leads me to want to do exactly what has been suggested that I not do. So adolescent! Or maybe just New Yorky? Or perhaps fundamentally American? Whatever the origin, it is there nonetheless.
Now my two least-favorite holidays are, in order of hierarchy and also chronologically, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. I've disliked them both for as long as I can remember feeling that they were applicable to me, which is decades already (and nota bene that I always dislike Valentine's Day, regardless of my relationship status, or the status of whatever relationship I may be in at the time). But it is only this week that I figured out one reason why this might be. Many other holidays are perfectly nice, or pleasant, or utterly ignorable. My own favorite each year is Thanksgiving, when we get two big family days, Dad's (religious) side on Thursday and Mom's (not so religious, a lot more gay) side on Saturday. It's not about anything except hanging out with people I'm fond of slash love and eating really a lot of food. And I feel like no one is telling me what to do, except to eat more food. But for both New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day, I feel like the general discourse of the holiday is instructing me as to what my internal state needs to be. It's like, "Go out and have a glamorous evening and feel really good about the marking of the passage of time!" Or, "Feel really romantic about the person you're linked with in some way! Now!" And I think this brings out my knee jerk "don't tell me what to do" reaction. I'm like, "Fuck you! I'm not good with the passage of time. Why should I dress up and spend a lot of money to pretend I'm happy that another day and another year has passed?" Or, "Fuck off! Who's telling me how I should feel about my guy? What if I feel romantic on February 12? Or 15? Why this day over all other days?" Luckily, this attitude carries me through the not-having-a-man-on-Valentine's times as well, sort of a "what, so I need a man to be happy?" kind of thing.
So I'm relieved to learn that it's just leftover adolescent rebellion keeping me from loving these otherwise fabulous holidays. I feel at peace!
posted by Pangea at 8:47 AM
1 Comments:
I've always disliked those two holidays too. For me I don't think it's an anti-authoritarian "Don't tell me what to do!" thing. It's more that the holidays are geared toward making you feel inadequate if you don't manage to do what's expected. Other holidays have traditions and events. You can go see fireworks on Fourth of July, for example. But there isn't a cultural assumption that you're a LOSER if you don't go to see fireworks. Hey, it's up to you! On Thanksgiving it's great to get together with family and feast. And sure, your family might be angry or disappointed if you don't participate. But society won't make you feel INADEQUATE for choosing to do so.
But New Year's and Valentine's Day are different. Since I was a teenager, I've acutely felt that my failure to be invited to a really cool New Year's party with hats and alcohol and someone to kiss at midnight was a mark of shame. Ditto with Valentine's Day, of course.
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